How to create healthy boundaries that stick - without the guilt

I talk to my clients a lot about the importance of healthy boundaries.

Imagine yourself as a river for a moment. The river that is you needs strong banks to flow smoothly and with direction.

Equally, if the banks are overgrown with weeds and debris, the water will stop running as clearly and will eventually become stagnant.

In the same way, a healthy boundary is one which supports you, gives you focus and clarity and eases your journey through daily life.

Yet if you hold on too tightly to the riverbanks, you end up getting stuck in the weeds.

Like everything in nature, healthy boundaries are about balance.

And because YOU are nature, you are no different. You require boundaries that are strong enough to hold you, but not so dense that you end up blocking yourself off from experiences and people that bring meaning and joy to your life.

Most of us were not taught how to create a healthy boundary when we were little.

So, for starters, allow yourself a big dollop of self-compassion if you have trouble setting (and keeping) healthy boundaries, or feel guilty when you do. This is a continual practice for all of us, not a one and done thing.

Yet the more you practice creating and honouring healthy boundaries in small ways, the easier it will be with the Big Stuff (relationships, career, family etc).

The power of ritual for creating healthy boundaries

This is why I love ritual. Ritual is a wonderful way to practice healthy boundary keeping.

A ritual is essentially an energetic container in time and space, created through your attention and intention.

Attention is your focus.

Intention is the purpose or goal you are assigning to the practice.

With these two ingredients, you are declaring to yourself and the Universe that this is what you’re here for. This allows you to be fully present with what you’re doing AND gives you permission to drop the rest.

Ritual provides the clarity of a beginning and end. It offers containment that stops energy “leaks” into the rest of your day.

It prevents that nagging sense that you’re never doing anything properly or the uneasy feeling that there is always something else, something more you should be doing.

It keeps the energy clean.

It’s the energetic equivalent of shutting down all the unnecessary tabs on your computer screen, so your system has the capacity to run more efficiently.

In creating an energetic container through ritual, you are practicing holding a healthy boundary.

How to create a ritual

Your attention and intention are the two ingredients that create the magic in a ritual. What you actually do in that time is secondary.

That’s right - making a cup of tea with your full attention and intention can be just as sacred as channelling your inner goddess and dancing around a fire for three hours under the full moon.

(Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully down with the latter. It’s just a lot more challenging to do that on the daily when you’re also dealing with, ya know, LIFE.)

The POWER in this practice is your presence, no matter how big or small the ritual itself.

Where you place your attention and intention is where you place your energy – and, my love – your energy is POWERFUL.

The three key steps in any ritual are:

1.      Declare what you are available for (set an intention).

2.      Be fully present with it.

3.      Close down the energy (and your attention) when you’re finished.

The first and third steps are important because they create the container, freeing up your attention and energy to be directed towards the practice. They are your healthy boundaries.

A simple daily ritual

For a while now, I’ve been starting my day with a glass of water. Before drinking it, I take a few breaths to anchor myself and feel my feet on the ground. If I can, I’ll go outside to do this and stand in the garden with my feet on the earth.

Holding the water in my hands, I give a moment of thanks and whisper my intention for the day into the glass before drinking it slowly and with my full attention.

Yes, this hydrates my body first thing. Always a positive.

There’s also a lot of fascinating science emerging about water consciousness – a topic for another day, although if you’re curious, this is a great resource.)

The most important bit, though, is that I’ve noticed a huge difference in how I feel since I’ve started the ritual of this. By that I mean, giving it my full attention and intention. I’m no longer just necking a glass of water because it’s “good” for me then rushing off to the next thing on my to-list.

Instead, this simple act of ritual – which takes no more than a minute or two – has helped me feel more connected, aligned and peaceful. I’m no longer box-ticking because I think I “should”. Consequently, I’ve noticed a subtle yet powerful shift in my energy for the day.

Simple acts like these are incredibly nourishing for your nervous system, sending a signal of safety to your body which allows you to become more present.

When you’re more present, you’re more able to discern when is for you (and where you need to strengthen your proverbial riverbanks).

You create the possibility for more flow in your life.

Permission for play

Whether you’re new to this or already have established daily rituals, I invite you to let go of needing to get it “right” and instead get curious and follow what lights you up.

These things tend to stick (and are far more effective) when you can have a bit of fun with them.

For example, if you’re in the habit of snacking before bed, light a candle and set an intention to be fully present as you enjoy your evening meal. When you finish eating, blow out the candle to signify that you’re finished. This helps create a healthy boundary around food.

Or if you struggle to switch off from work, put on a few of your favourite songs when you get home and have a dance. Hold the intention to let go of the day as you move and be fully present with the music. When you’re done, thank your body for moving you.

Remember, the power lies in your presence. So have fun, hold it lightly and know that with each intentional practice you are gifting yourself the opportunity to free up more of your energy and live a more connected life.